I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
