how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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