It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
