I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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