You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
