i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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