Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
this must be what syphilis tastes like
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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