U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
