i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
