I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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