I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
