Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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