My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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