What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
they're like a gay fantastic four
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
