just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
