I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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