He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
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Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
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If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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