So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
