cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
