hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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