i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
