Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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