hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
