her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
