hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
