Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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