I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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