You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
