I want to have your abortion
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
