You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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