I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
