I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
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i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
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You need Xanax blowdarts
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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