Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You may now shotgun with the bride
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
