Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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