Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
