haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
operation have a gay friend backfired
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
