I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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