is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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