Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
