that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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