wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
