Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
