thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
