Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
