if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Panties = found
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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