just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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