I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
