i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Sober January is a disaster.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
