So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
