I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
