I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
