Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
someone owes me an orgasm
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
