do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
