Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
