I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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