i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You ruined the universe
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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