You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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