your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
