just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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