Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
