the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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